Slug…

The inevitable has happened. I have tipped the scales too far. At the tail end of a 2 month break between semesters, I have completed my metamorphosis into a slug. An amorphous, nearly shapeless, consumer with no visible (read: valuable) output. I know that this is a familiar (but, dreadful) pattern that often follows an intense semester of time juggling, but why do I allow this free time to subvert my entire way of life and eventually my mood and feelings, especially of self-worth? The good news is that it is familiar enough that I know it is a phase and only that, and my normal operations will resume soon. But the point that really sticks me is: why is it so familiar, or in other words, why do I allow this pattern to continue to take over my life? I know the pattern, I know the prescription, but I still lack the self-discipline to put down that damned historical novel and get something done that doesn’t involve my pajamas and perfecting the mold of my butt in the couch cushion.

When I get to the end of a semester of completing other people’s projects and demands on my time, all I long for is a few uninterrupted hours of reading simply for the pleasure of it. Which, of course, isn’t a horrible thing. Where this becomes a problem is when that is my default action, rather than something that is an indulgence at the end of a fulfilling and productive day. Heaps and heaps of fun and creative projects call my name, not to mention the insistent, and damnably persistent, call of housework- and yet, my choice 9 out of 10 times is the same.

So, how do I change this? I can acknowledge the problem, “Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I neglect my real life…” But, something tells me that’s only half of it; the other half must include resolution. And not one of those namby, pamby New Year’s ones. I mean a real one. One of the difficult ones that I know I will probably fail at, but commit to it anyway. Because, not doing so is worse than that failure. And the failure is at least something. It’s attached to something real.

Slug, indeed. Is salt too drastic a step?

One of the perq’s of a (early) morning class…

Equilibrium

As the summer winds down, I’m reminded more and more of the simplicity of life that balances me and keeps me from the depressing cycle of my “to-do” list and the difficult schedule of school. In the whirl of life’s chores, the flurry and fun of having good friends for dinner, of the past week’s battle to get Sappho on the road to recovery, and of the pain of watching my man’s heart hurt and not knowing what to do but hold his hand, these words have provided a little healing balm:

“True simplicity consists not in the use of particular forms, but in foregoing over-indulgence, in maintaining humility of spirit, and in keeping the material surroundings of our lives directly serviceable to necessary ends, even though these surroundings may be properly characterized by grace, symmetry, and beauty.”
~Book of Discipline of the Religious Society of Friends, Adopted by the Philadelphia Yearly Meeting, 1927

I’ve been feeling somewhat ill-equipped to handle what life has sent my way lately and have felt a little at a loss these past few months as to what to do with an increasing (self-imposed) to-do list and a maelstrom of pent up emotions. Feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness and the uneven balance of having my attention diverted too many places. Again, as the summer drifts to an end, and I am reminded of the simple beauty of life and that it’s really (really!) okay to stop and just relax, the healing that I’ve been working towards finally seems close to being within my grasp. And with it comes the renewed promise I make to just let myself breathe and take each day with grace and patience.